More celebrity mock awards!

Happy Friday, all. To celebrate the week’s end, we bring you more mock awards. Having fun yet?

As promised, here are the Other Golden Globes, awarded by yours truly, a snarky Zeleb blogger.

Lea Michele of ‘Glee’ fame took to the red carpet in a daring Marchesa gown. Unlike Rachel McAdams’ 2011 Marchesa look, this one was sufficiently…drafty enough to solidly land Lea the Most Likely to Show Something She’d Rather Not award.

Feast your eyes out, Gleeks

Lady Madonna wore a puzzling Reem Acra gown – don’t those green squares remind you of a puzzle that’s not quite finished? Maybe one of those 5000 piece ones that is ALL THE SAME COLOUR? Maybe not. At any rate, her breathtakingly tight and strangely also voluminous gown wins her the Most Egregiously Clashing award.

Help! I'm being fangoriously devoured by a satinous monster!

Sara Michelle Gellar looks as if she is oddly transcending a couple decades in her red carpet get-up with a high ponytail straight out of the late naughties (best name for the first decade of any century, IMHO) and a flouncy dip-dye that seems to be directly inspired by her early years on Buffy (it began in ’97, and oh, didn’t the 90s love tie dye). She therefore wins the Dress that has Clearly Time Travelled Award.

(cue Tardis noise)

Amanda Peet’s white tiered-lace gown was designed by Marc Jacobs. All layer-cake jokes aside, I’d really like to believe that this looked much better on her in person than it does in photos. She wins Dress Most Likely to be Upcycled into Curtains.

Lawd-a-mercy, Miss Scarlet, you made a dress out of curtains, we make curtains out of dresses!

Claire Danes’ deceptively modest dress-front was given the lie by the cut-out back…in a good way! J. Mendel should be proud; she was successfully bridging the sexy/classy chasm. Zeleb confers upon her the Channelling Pippa Middleton’s Derriere award.

Also I really hope it was warm in there. Backless dresses in January = ambitious.

Kelly Osbourne’s fashion choices are always irresistible matters of discussion, and her blue Zac Posen mermaid gown (& attempted matching coiffure) was no different. Just look at those shoulders, though! Let’s be glad Kelly didn’t get bored/tired enough to fall asleep whilst wearing this dress – she might have poked her eye out. Shoulders alone win her the Inspired by a Fairy Tale Villain award.

Come, let me impale you with my pointy shoulderpads!

Face it. Debra Messing is a red-headed goddess. But sometimes even red-headed goddesses have issues with their colour schemes. She looked overwhelmed by a chocolate-coloured dress and nude lipstick. Can’t help but wonder – what if her hair had been brown and her dress red? (Bring on the Photoshop.) At the very least, she wins the Your Lipstick Can’t Stand up to Your Dress award.

I'm drowning in a vat of fondue!

Dear Gucci Premiere gown worn by Evan Rachel Wood,

Both fish and birds belong to the phylum Chordata. You appear to have designed the dress that wins the award for Open And Affirming to all Chordates. But don’t worry. That is better than the Comes with a Seashell Bra award (don’t go there).

Yours truly

A puzzled biologist

Hybridization to the max, yo.

Okay, okay, Mila Kunis’ black Dior dress obviously has a nude layer under the black. But she still wins the Definitely Thought that Was Skin, not Fabric award. It’s up to you whether that was a good thing or a bad thing!

Peek-a-boo.

And finally, to end on a high note: Laura Dern! Of course you have done many, many things since Jurassic Park. But that will always be your defining role for me. Your classic, long-sleeved, v-necked and belted Andrew Gn awesomeness is what this whole red carpet thing really is about. Your award will be called: Shimmer!

Jurassic Park meets Twilight: the Tyrannosaurus Rexes SPARKLE.

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